Parenting an atomic meltdown

As I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write for parenting blog number four, my daughter handed me the topic: how to deal with temper tantrums.

Tonight she had a whopper of a tantrum because I wouldn't let her use a purse as her school book bag (it's a really long story that I won't bore you with) and, in fact, she got so wound up that she fell asleep at 6:30 p.m. The last time she went to bed this early, she woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 3:00 a.m. So, I'd better go to bed early tonight since it appears I'll be up in a few hours making breakfast!

My guess is that she was really tired and that's what caused today's meltdown, not the other way around, however it really doesn't seem to help to know what the cause is while the tantrum is occurring; what I need to know is how to diffuse it once it starts and I'll deal with all the psycho mumbo-jumbo later.

My sister, Nancy, just happened to be over to witness part of the standoff and reminded me this was "junk behavior." She's attending foster parenting classes and that's what they label negative behavior that is merely attention seeking; they basically recommend that you ignore it or it'll get worse.  The idea is this: giving attention to any behavior, good or bad, will escalate it so if the behavior is negative, ignoring it will stop it. Nice concept, however the person that thought that up apparently has never had to deal with a child yelling even louder because you're ignoring the behavior!

Being a single parent poses additional challenges to dealing with negative child behavior. You don't have someone you can "pass the baton" off to when you've reached your limit. But, on the other hand, the child also can't run to your partner in an effort to manipulate the situation in their favor, which I understand from several of my friends is a common problem (My two cents on that: anyone who doesn't show a unified front with the other parent in front of the child, regardless if they think their partner was right or wrong, had only to look at a couple of recent celebrity marriages gone bad to see how successful that strategy is!)

Whether you're a single parent or not, if you have any great tips on this topic, please post them! Thanks!

KJ  

P.S. Morning update: she slept through the night and woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and her usual sweet self! 

The Heart of Adoption

As most of you know already, my daughter and I adopted each other earlier this year. I like to say we "both" adopted each other because it is a choice for both sides--she had to agree to "choose" me too and I'm eternally grateful that she did! 

Since November is national adoption month, I wanted to take the opportunity to encourage everyone to consider adoption, especially domestic adoption of a older child from the foster care system, whether you have children already or not. 

Many may not know that the majority of the children in foster care do not have major problems and do not come from severe backgrounds. Most are in the system due to "neglect"--what that means is that the parent (the statistics show it's usually a single mother who has fallen to the pressure of raising a child alone) isn't able to give the child the care and attention that it needs. Most haven't been abused and most have been loved--the parents just can't take care of them anymore so they get into the system despite everyone's best efforts. 

And it's not true that if you adopt an older child, one over the age of three, that you can't "mold" them or influence their values. My daughter doesn't remember anything before the age of four (how many of us do?) and when I got her at age five, I was able to be part of many "firsts" for her: her first day at kindergarten, her first lost tooth, her first bike ride, her first time swimming without water wings, her first time getting a love note from a boy at school (and she got a toy ring too from him along with a marriage proposal, her first of many, I'm sure! I told her no boyfriends until she's at least age 30 :)  Sure, they will have an adjustment period but Elizabeth is doing just great and is just an average precocious six-year-old (going on 16 sometimes!) 

Also, once you adopt a child, they are your child as if you gave birth to them; it's completely up to you if you want them to see their birth parents or even previous foster parents and all the previous guardian's rights have been dissolved. 

I have many family and friends that have adopted children of all ages (like my great friends, Jolene and Ben, who adopted two African-American children from overseas this year after already having three of their own) and they will all tell you what a rewarding experience it has been! 

There are a lot of children in foster care in Southwest Florida that need loving homes. Please consider being a foster parent (which means you bring children into your home temporarily while a permanent home is found--what a way to have a impact on a child) or an adoptive parent. You will never regret it!  Go to www.adoptflorida.org for more information.

KJ 

P.S. While we're on the subject of foster care, I wanted to point out that Collier County, Florida, does not have an emergency shelter for children removed suddenly from their homes. Up until just last year, children were actually housed in a government center on cots until a foster home could be found (now they are put in motels, but that's not much better for a scared child who has just lost their parents through no fault of their own).  The only shelter we have, Youth Haven, is at full capacity and wasn't designed for emergency use. Frankly, I think it is a blight on this community--with reportedly more millionaires than any other city in the nation--that we have children being put in this situation, especially when we have $20 million dollar mansions boarded up for 11 months out of the year. The City of Naples council and the Collier County government should be called upon to reserve funds for a new emergency shelter for these children. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars each year "sprucing up" the medians in our roads (usually replacing bushes that have died the month before); aren't our children worth some attention too?

 

Parenting the Election

On the way to school this morning, Election Day 2008, my six-year-old daughter mentions she's voting for President of the United States today in school. Surprised, I asked her who the candidates were. She said, "They showed us a picture on a piece of paper. It's one man standing up and one man kinda bending over." I have no idea what picture they're showing the students but it certainly got my attention!  

As a parent, I was proud that my daughter understood and cared about the election process at such a young age and we were able to talk about it. However, her comment made me wonder how many adults today are also voting based on a "picture" of the candidate and not on reality. While the issues have taken center stage this election, so has being a good orator and "looking presidential." I don't believe we have had in decades two presidential candidates that are so different on issues and values; I also have never seen so many people blindly follow candidates without finding out what they really stand for. As an African-American news pundit who appears on the major news networks told me recently, "It's okay to want to vote for change; just know what type of change you're voting for." 

As an Emmy award-winning journalist, I will go on the record that I have been disappointed with many of my friends in the media, both in print and television. Some of the reports have been extremely biased to the point that I think my daughter's first grade class could have done a better job at fair reporting. Now, there is no such thing as an "unbiased" story; just choosing what story to lead a newscast with is a biased decision. However you can do your best to make sure that both sides are heard without interjecting your opinion as a journalist. That is something that has not been done during this election to a shocking degree. The media serves a vital role in our society in holding our elected leaders accountable; if we can no longer count on them to be objective, we're in big trouble.

While I know this topic isn't directly related to single parenting, it is indirectly related. It is vitally important that we as moms instill in our children the importance of knowing the issues and voting for officials that will protect children at all stages of their lives, from before birth until they are 18 and off to college. 

If we don't, what we may have in the future is yet another generation voting for a picture of a candidate instead of for the real thing. 

 

KJ

P.S. 

News Update:

Time Magazine admits election bias

http://www.newsmax.com/insidecover/media_bias_halperin/2008/11/23/154417.html?s=al&promo_code=71E0-1

Washington Post admits election bias 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/11/09/ST2008110901017.html