Happy Single Parent Appreciation Day! (whew!)

Have you hugged a single parent today?

Move over St. Patty--just when you thought Hallmark had every holiday covered, here's a new one: Saturday, March 21, is "Single Parent Appreciation Day!" While you probably won't see it in bold letters on your calendar, if you're a single parent it is a good excuse to put on your best outfit, call on a few friends, and go out on the town without the kids for a change! Or treat yourself and the kids to a special trip for all of you like to Disney. And if you're not a single parent but know one that is, you may want to offer to take them out or even watch the kids for a few hours and give them a break (thanks Leslie & Joe for doing this for me already! :) 

As we all know, being a single parent has a multitude of challenges that are unique to the situation. But there are resources out there that can help. I have recently come across the book, "Parenting on Your Own," by author Lynda Hunter. This book is written in a "Q & A" fashion, where single parents ask a variety of questions from legal issues like custody and child support to how to deal with your emotions as a single parent to dating and getting remarried. It is an easy read and has some insightful information for single parents.

So here's a "Happy Single Parent Appreciation Day" shout-out to all the single parents in South Florida (and beyond). Make it a great day to celebrate your greatest gift: your family! 

Parenting Through Tough Economic Times

For many single parents, parenting alone is hard enough, let alone on one income. Even divorced parents who get a monthly payment from an ex-spouse say their standard of living is not the same as when they were married. According to Money Central at MSN.com, single women, who are the majority of single-parent households, earn an average of $26,500 a year. Child support averages about $5,800 a year. You do the math. And on top of it, they have to live with the knowledge that they're the only thing standing between them and their children and the edge of the cliff--there is no other partner there standing in the gap during these tough economic times. 

According to Kiplinger's Personal Finance, there are things single parents can do to give themselves a little bit more security. First, make a budget and stick to it and put aside any few extra dollars each month into an emergency "just-in-case" fund. Also, consider getting a roommate if you have enough room (obviously someone who would get along with the kids), or consider downsizing to a smaller home. Contribute money to a flexible spending account, which reimburses you for some out-of-pocket medical expenses. Also, make sure that the IRS is working for you--there are plenty of tax breaks for parents that can help make ends meet. If childcare is an issue, try to form a group of parents where you can trade off babysitting at no cost. I have a group of parents that I met through my daughter's school and we often rely on each other for last minute babysitting emergencies.

The biggest thing is to realize you are not alone. There are parenting support groups out there that can help you make a budget, give dating advice, and overall parenting advice. Some include:

• Parents Without Partners (www.parentswithoutpartners.org); 
• Single Parents Network (www.singleparentsnetwork.com);  
• Single Family Voices (www.singlefamilyvoices.com); 
• and The Parenting Place (www.theparentingplace.com).

The forums on some of these sites are especially helpful since you can talk to other single parents (both men and women) who are going through the same thing you are. 

So, hang in there and know you're not alone. We can get through this together!

KJ 

The Circle of Friends

"Should auld aquaintance be forgot, and never brought to min?" --Robert Burns, Scottish Poet (so that's where that line that came from ;)  As we begin this New Year, I am reflecting on how much I appreciate my circle of friends, "auld" and new. 

When you're a single parent, a lot of times you have to make decisions unilaterally--what school a child should attend; should you move to another town; how to invest your money. However, never forget when you have a big decision to make to utilize your "best" advisors--the ones you have "chosen" to have in your lives, the ones who not only love you but who have your back--your friends. 

I have been blessed with a circle of friends going back decades that have always been there for me (and hopefully I for them). They supported me when I adopted my child, patiently listened to me when I've explained my latest E-Harmony "horror" story (if you've ever been on E-Harmony you may know what I'm talking about :), and given advice when I've needed it, whether when changing jobs or pursing an advanced degree. Their friendship is priceless.

If you're a single parent, please don't feel like you have to go it alone. Your friends are people you can and should count on but they can't help unless you ask. And if you feel you don't have friendships like those, go out and make them but remember it takes two to be friends--you have to be there for them as much as they are there for you. As poet/author Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, "The only reward of virtue is virtue; the only way to have a friend is to be one; a friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud." And my personal Emerson favorite, "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." 

This is a thank you to my circle of friends. Let our friendship be longer than our lives and as deep as our emotions: "I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age, the true old man's milk and restorative cordial."  --Thomas Jefferson

KJ

Dating and the Single Parent

Dating when you're a single parent is one of the most difficult decisions to make. One of my single parent friends says it's like job interviewing, only you're not only looking for the right person for you but your children as well. Talk about complicated! But this is a common issue nowadays for millions of people. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 25% of children in the U.S. are being raised in a single-parent home. 

Noted psychologist and author, Dr. Kevin Leman, has written a great book on single parenting called, "Single Parenting that Works." He says, "In today's world, single moms and dads need help and encouragement perhaps like no other segment of society! Theirs can be a lonely and difficult road trying to balance job stress, financial pressure, dealing with ex-spouses, grieving over the death of a spouse, facing a future without a mate, guilt issues, and on we could go." (www.praisestore.com)

When you're dating as a single parent, you're faced with a multitude of decisions: finding someone to watch the kids just so you can go out on a date; when should you introduce the children to the "significant other"; how to deal with ex-spouses, if any; and if it works out and you get married, who is moving where and how do you integrate the two families if you both have children. 

But Dr. Leman says that challenges do not have to be insurmountable obstacles. He has discovered six keys to single parenting that work, whether in dating or anything else (www.cbn.org): 

1. Create a plan. Look at the whole picture of your life, where you are and where you will (or want to) be.

2. Know yourself and your child. Helping your child means starting on yourself first.

3. Gather a team. Being a lone ranger can be lonely so don't be afraid to ask for help.

4. Focus on the "ABC's": Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence.

5. Know what to say and do when kids ask. Hard questions come up. Know what to say.

6. Realize it's not about you. It's about the kids for now. 

Dr. Leman suggests waiting as long as possible before dating if you're divorced and to make sure that once you start dating, the person you're with can emotionally adopt your kids: "Never remarry until you are able to release your children to the new mate as if they were his or her own." 

Another self-help author, Dr. Tina Tessina, says, "Single parenting involves finding a quality person you like, who likes you, and who is comfortable with your children." She suggests these dating tips (www.tinatessina.com):

1. Make sure you know a lot about any new person before inviting him/her into your home.

2. Make friends before considering a romantic relationship.

3. Always introduce new adults to your children as friends, nothing more.

4. If our children are old enough to have opinions of your new friends, listen to what they have to say.

5. Do not pressure your children to like your new friend, or to spend time with him or her.

6. Insist that your children behave appropriately and politely to your adult friends.

7. Have regular family discussions with your children.

8. If you want to get serious with a date, find out his or her feelings about children, especially your children, first.

9. Gradually introduce a new date to your children by doing family oriented activities together. Give your children and your date a chance to develop their own relationships.

10. Don't sacrifice your children's alone time with you to your dating. Don't miss sports or school events in order to date.

11. Don't share inappropriately with your children. Do not use them as "confidantes" for your relationship confusion or problems. 

Both authors agree that if you put the children first and date wisely, it can be an awarding an successful experience for you and your children. Finding love, after all, is the greatest gift of all.

KJ  

 

Single parenting and the holidays

I have to apologize--I took a two week hiatus from blogging in order to get ready for the holidays! I'm sure all of you are busy as well.

This is my favorite time of the year and it's really different now that I have a child in the mix. As many of my friends and family will attest, I used to go crazy with the decorations--now that I have a child and it would actually make sense to put up three Christmas trees (okay, maybe not "sense" but I would at least have an excuse), I can't seem to find the time to do it.

My friend, Leslie Nelson, and I have a competition of sorts going on for who can have the most Christmas houses--those are those little Christmas-themed houses that cost almost as much as a real house that you can make tiny villages with around your home. I have about 30 now and have run out of room in my house to put them. Leslie has many more houses but seems to be able to find incredibly creative places to put them--in bathrooms, kid's rooms, kitchens--I haven't looked under her couch yet, though ;)  The task is so daunting that I have yet to even drag them out of the garage. I will force myself though since I have way too much invested in them. They'll just stay up after Christmas and be "Easter houses" in a few months!

Last night Elizabeth and I were in the Naples, Florida Christmas parade. Well, Elizabeth was in it with her best friend, Vincent--I merely "walked" alongside the car at about 20 miles an hour making sure she didn't fall out of the window. It was fun and it was great to see the thousands of kids and adults who came out to view the parade. I think I created a monster though--Elizabeth liked it so much she got upset when the miles-long parade finally ended and she was no longer the focus of adoring crowds. Guess she liked all the attention. Oh no!! She also got her first real exposure to snow at the Snowfest here in SW Florida--amazingly, the snow lasted long enough to make a snowball however the poor child really needs to see "real" snow!

If you have any great kid-related Christmas stories you'd like to share, please post them. And to all, have a Merry Christmas (and happy other holidays too ;)

KJ 

Parenting an atomic meltdown

As I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write for parenting blog number four, my daughter handed me the topic: how to deal with temper tantrums.

Tonight she had a whopper of a tantrum because I wouldn't let her use a purse as her school book bag (it's a really long story that I won't bore you with) and, in fact, she got so wound up that she fell asleep at 6:30 p.m. The last time she went to bed this early, she woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 3:00 a.m. So, I'd better go to bed early tonight since it appears I'll be up in a few hours making breakfast!

My guess is that she was really tired and that's what caused today's meltdown, not the other way around, however it really doesn't seem to help to know what the cause is while the tantrum is occurring; what I need to know is how to diffuse it once it starts and I'll deal with all the psycho mumbo-jumbo later.

My sister, Nancy, just happened to be over to witness part of the standoff and reminded me this was "junk behavior." She's attending foster parenting classes and that's what they label negative behavior that is merely attention seeking; they basically recommend that you ignore it or it'll get worse.  The idea is this: giving attention to any behavior, good or bad, will escalate it so if the behavior is negative, ignoring it will stop it. Nice concept, however the person that thought that up apparently has never had to deal with a child yelling even louder because you're ignoring the behavior!

Being a single parent poses additional challenges to dealing with negative child behavior. You don't have someone you can "pass the baton" off to when you've reached your limit. But, on the other hand, the child also can't run to your partner in an effort to manipulate the situation in their favor, which I understand from several of my friends is a common problem (My two cents on that: anyone who doesn't show a unified front with the other parent in front of the child, regardless if they think their partner was right or wrong, had only to look at a couple of recent celebrity marriages gone bad to see how successful that strategy is!)

Whether you're a single parent or not, if you have any great tips on this topic, please post them! Thanks!

KJ  

P.S. Morning update: she slept through the night and woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and her usual sweet self! 

The Heart of Adoption

As most of you know already, my daughter and I adopted each other earlier this year. I like to say we "both" adopted each other because it is a choice for both sides--she had to agree to "choose" me too and I'm eternally grateful that she did! 

Since November is national adoption month, I wanted to take the opportunity to encourage everyone to consider adoption, especially domestic adoption of a older child from the foster care system, whether you have children already or not. 

Many may not know that the majority of the children in foster care do not have major problems and do not come from severe backgrounds. Most are in the system due to "neglect"--what that means is that the parent (the statistics show it's usually a single mother who has fallen to the pressure of raising a child alone) isn't able to give the child the care and attention that it needs. Most haven't been abused and most have been loved--the parents just can't take care of them anymore so they get into the system despite everyone's best efforts. 

And it's not true that if you adopt an older child, one over the age of three, that you can't "mold" them or influence their values. My daughter doesn't remember anything before the age of four (how many of us do?) and when I got her at age five, I was able to be part of many "firsts" for her: her first day at kindergarten, her first lost tooth, her first bike ride, her first time swimming without water wings, her first time getting a love note from a boy at school (and she got a toy ring too from him along with a marriage proposal, her first of many, I'm sure! I told her no boyfriends until she's at least age 30 :)  Sure, they will have an adjustment period but Elizabeth is doing just great and is just an average precocious six-year-old (going on 16 sometimes!) 

Also, once you adopt a child, they are your child as if you gave birth to them; it's completely up to you if you want them to see their birth parents or even previous foster parents and all the previous guardian's rights have been dissolved. 

I have many family and friends that have adopted children of all ages (like my great friends, Jolene and Ben, who adopted two African-American children from overseas this year after already having three of their own) and they will all tell you what a rewarding experience it has been! 

There are a lot of children in foster care in Southwest Florida that need loving homes. Please consider being a foster parent (which means you bring children into your home temporarily while a permanent home is found--what a way to have a impact on a child) or an adoptive parent. You will never regret it!  Go to www.adoptflorida.org for more information.

KJ 

P.S. While we're on the subject of foster care, I wanted to point out that Collier County, Florida, does not have an emergency shelter for children removed suddenly from their homes. Up until just last year, children were actually housed in a government center on cots until a foster home could be found (now they are put in motels, but that's not much better for a scared child who has just lost their parents through no fault of their own).  The only shelter we have, Youth Haven, is at full capacity and wasn't designed for emergency use. Frankly, I think it is a blight on this community--with reportedly more millionaires than any other city in the nation--that we have children being put in this situation, especially when we have $20 million dollar mansions boarded up for 11 months out of the year. The City of Naples council and the Collier County government should be called upon to reserve funds for a new emergency shelter for these children. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars each year "sprucing up" the medians in our roads (usually replacing bushes that have died the month before); aren't our children worth some attention too?