Dating and the Single Parent

Dating when you're a single parent is one of the most difficult decisions to make. One of my single parent friends says it's like job interviewing, only you're not only looking for the right person for you but your children as well. Talk about complicated! But this is a common issue nowadays for millions of people. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 25% of children in the U.S. are being raised in a single-parent home. 

Noted psychologist and author, Dr. Kevin Leman, has written a great book on single parenting called, "Single Parenting that Works." He says, "In today's world, single moms and dads need help and encouragement perhaps like no other segment of society! Theirs can be a lonely and difficult road trying to balance job stress, financial pressure, dealing with ex-spouses, grieving over the death of a spouse, facing a future without a mate, guilt issues, and on we could go." (www.praisestore.com)

When you're dating as a single parent, you're faced with a multitude of decisions: finding someone to watch the kids just so you can go out on a date; when should you introduce the children to the "significant other"; how to deal with ex-spouses, if any; and if it works out and you get married, who is moving where and how do you integrate the two families if you both have children. 

But Dr. Leman says that challenges do not have to be insurmountable obstacles. He has discovered six keys to single parenting that work, whether in dating or anything else (www.cbn.org): 

1. Create a plan. Look at the whole picture of your life, where you are and where you will (or want to) be.

2. Know yourself and your child. Helping your child means starting on yourself first.

3. Gather a team. Being a lone ranger can be lonely so don't be afraid to ask for help.

4. Focus on the "ABC's": Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence.

5. Know what to say and do when kids ask. Hard questions come up. Know what to say.

6. Realize it's not about you. It's about the kids for now. 

Dr. Leman suggests waiting as long as possible before dating if you're divorced and to make sure that once you start dating, the person you're with can emotionally adopt your kids: "Never remarry until you are able to release your children to the new mate as if they were his or her own." 

Another self-help author, Dr. Tina Tessina, says, "Single parenting involves finding a quality person you like, who likes you, and who is comfortable with your children." She suggests these dating tips (www.tinatessina.com):

1. Make sure you know a lot about any new person before inviting him/her into your home.

2. Make friends before considering a romantic relationship.

3. Always introduce new adults to your children as friends, nothing more.

4. If our children are old enough to have opinions of your new friends, listen to what they have to say.

5. Do not pressure your children to like your new friend, or to spend time with him or her.

6. Insist that your children behave appropriately and politely to your adult friends.

7. Have regular family discussions with your children.

8. If you want to get serious with a date, find out his or her feelings about children, especially your children, first.

9. Gradually introduce a new date to your children by doing family oriented activities together. Give your children and your date a chance to develop their own relationships.

10. Don't sacrifice your children's alone time with you to your dating. Don't miss sports or school events in order to date.

11. Don't share inappropriately with your children. Do not use them as "confidantes" for your relationship confusion or problems. 

Both authors agree that if you put the children first and date wisely, it can be an awarding an successful experience for you and your children. Finding love, after all, is the greatest gift of all.

KJ