Dating and the Single Parent

Dating when you're a single parent is one of the most difficult decisions to make. One of my single parent friends says it's like job interviewing, only you're not only looking for the right person for you but your children as well. Talk about complicated! But this is a common issue nowadays for millions of people. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 25% of children in the U.S. are being raised in a single-parent home. 

Noted psychologist and author, Dr. Kevin Leman, has written a great book on single parenting called, "Single Parenting that Works." He says, "In today's world, single moms and dads need help and encouragement perhaps like no other segment of society! Theirs can be a lonely and difficult road trying to balance job stress, financial pressure, dealing with ex-spouses, grieving over the death of a spouse, facing a future without a mate, guilt issues, and on we could go." (www.praisestore.com)

When you're dating as a single parent, you're faced with a multitude of decisions: finding someone to watch the kids just so you can go out on a date; when should you introduce the children to the "significant other"; how to deal with ex-spouses, if any; and if it works out and you get married, who is moving where and how do you integrate the two families if you both have children. 

But Dr. Leman says that challenges do not have to be insurmountable obstacles. He has discovered six keys to single parenting that work, whether in dating or anything else (www.cbn.org): 

1. Create a plan. Look at the whole picture of your life, where you are and where you will (or want to) be.

2. Know yourself and your child. Helping your child means starting on yourself first.

3. Gather a team. Being a lone ranger can be lonely so don't be afraid to ask for help.

4. Focus on the "ABC's": Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence.

5. Know what to say and do when kids ask. Hard questions come up. Know what to say.

6. Realize it's not about you. It's about the kids for now. 

Dr. Leman suggests waiting as long as possible before dating if you're divorced and to make sure that once you start dating, the person you're with can emotionally adopt your kids: "Never remarry until you are able to release your children to the new mate as if they were his or her own." 

Another self-help author, Dr. Tina Tessina, says, "Single parenting involves finding a quality person you like, who likes you, and who is comfortable with your children." She suggests these dating tips (www.tinatessina.com):

1. Make sure you know a lot about any new person before inviting him/her into your home.

2. Make friends before considering a romantic relationship.

3. Always introduce new adults to your children as friends, nothing more.

4. If our children are old enough to have opinions of your new friends, listen to what they have to say.

5. Do not pressure your children to like your new friend, or to spend time with him or her.

6. Insist that your children behave appropriately and politely to your adult friends.

7. Have regular family discussions with your children.

8. If you want to get serious with a date, find out his or her feelings about children, especially your children, first.

9. Gradually introduce a new date to your children by doing family oriented activities together. Give your children and your date a chance to develop their own relationships.

10. Don't sacrifice your children's alone time with you to your dating. Don't miss sports or school events in order to date.

11. Don't share inappropriately with your children. Do not use them as "confidantes" for your relationship confusion or problems. 

Both authors agree that if you put the children first and date wisely, it can be an awarding an successful experience for you and your children. Finding love, after all, is the greatest gift of all.

KJ  

 

Single parenting and the holidays

I have to apologize--I took a two week hiatus from blogging in order to get ready for the holidays! I'm sure all of you are busy as well.

This is my favorite time of the year and it's really different now that I have a child in the mix. As many of my friends and family will attest, I used to go crazy with the decorations--now that I have a child and it would actually make sense to put up three Christmas trees (okay, maybe not "sense" but I would at least have an excuse), I can't seem to find the time to do it.

My friend, Leslie Nelson, and I have a competition of sorts going on for who can have the most Christmas houses--those are those little Christmas-themed houses that cost almost as much as a real house that you can make tiny villages with around your home. I have about 30 now and have run out of room in my house to put them. Leslie has many more houses but seems to be able to find incredibly creative places to put them--in bathrooms, kid's rooms, kitchens--I haven't looked under her couch yet, though ;)  The task is so daunting that I have yet to even drag them out of the garage. I will force myself though since I have way too much invested in them. They'll just stay up after Christmas and be "Easter houses" in a few months!

Last night Elizabeth and I were in the Naples, Florida Christmas parade. Well, Elizabeth was in it with her best friend, Vincent--I merely "walked" alongside the car at about 20 miles an hour making sure she didn't fall out of the window. It was fun and it was great to see the thousands of kids and adults who came out to view the parade. I think I created a monster though--Elizabeth liked it so much she got upset when the miles-long parade finally ended and she was no longer the focus of adoring crowds. Guess she liked all the attention. Oh no!! She also got her first real exposure to snow at the Snowfest here in SW Florida--amazingly, the snow lasted long enough to make a snowball however the poor child really needs to see "real" snow!

If you have any great kid-related Christmas stories you'd like to share, please post them. And to all, have a Merry Christmas (and happy other holidays too ;)

KJ 

Parenting an atomic meltdown

As I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write for parenting blog number four, my daughter handed me the topic: how to deal with temper tantrums.

Tonight she had a whopper of a tantrum because I wouldn't let her use a purse as her school book bag (it's a really long story that I won't bore you with) and, in fact, she got so wound up that she fell asleep at 6:30 p.m. The last time she went to bed this early, she woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 3:00 a.m. So, I'd better go to bed early tonight since it appears I'll be up in a few hours making breakfast!

My guess is that she was really tired and that's what caused today's meltdown, not the other way around, however it really doesn't seem to help to know what the cause is while the tantrum is occurring; what I need to know is how to diffuse it once it starts and I'll deal with all the psycho mumbo-jumbo later.

My sister, Nancy, just happened to be over to witness part of the standoff and reminded me this was "junk behavior." She's attending foster parenting classes and that's what they label negative behavior that is merely attention seeking; they basically recommend that you ignore it or it'll get worse.  The idea is this: giving attention to any behavior, good or bad, will escalate it so if the behavior is negative, ignoring it will stop it. Nice concept, however the person that thought that up apparently has never had to deal with a child yelling even louder because you're ignoring the behavior!

Being a single parent poses additional challenges to dealing with negative child behavior. You don't have someone you can "pass the baton" off to when you've reached your limit. But, on the other hand, the child also can't run to your partner in an effort to manipulate the situation in their favor, which I understand from several of my friends is a common problem (My two cents on that: anyone who doesn't show a unified front with the other parent in front of the child, regardless if they think their partner was right or wrong, had only to look at a couple of recent celebrity marriages gone bad to see how successful that strategy is!)

Whether you're a single parent or not, if you have any great tips on this topic, please post them! Thanks!

KJ  

P.S. Morning update: she slept through the night and woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and her usual sweet self! 

The Heart of Adoption

As most of you know already, my daughter and I adopted each other earlier this year. I like to say we "both" adopted each other because it is a choice for both sides--she had to agree to "choose" me too and I'm eternally grateful that she did! 

Since November is national adoption month, I wanted to take the opportunity to encourage everyone to consider adoption, especially domestic adoption of a older child from the foster care system, whether you have children already or not. 

Many may not know that the majority of the children in foster care do not have major problems and do not come from severe backgrounds. Most are in the system due to "neglect"--what that means is that the parent (the statistics show it's usually a single mother who has fallen to the pressure of raising a child alone) isn't able to give the child the care and attention that it needs. Most haven't been abused and most have been loved--the parents just can't take care of them anymore so they get into the system despite everyone's best efforts. 

And it's not true that if you adopt an older child, one over the age of three, that you can't "mold" them or influence their values. My daughter doesn't remember anything before the age of four (how many of us do?) and when I got her at age five, I was able to be part of many "firsts" for her: her first day at kindergarten, her first lost tooth, her first bike ride, her first time swimming without water wings, her first time getting a love note from a boy at school (and she got a toy ring too from him along with a marriage proposal, her first of many, I'm sure! I told her no boyfriends until she's at least age 30 :)  Sure, they will have an adjustment period but Elizabeth is doing just great and is just an average precocious six-year-old (going on 16 sometimes!) 

Also, once you adopt a child, they are your child as if you gave birth to them; it's completely up to you if you want them to see their birth parents or even previous foster parents and all the previous guardian's rights have been dissolved. 

I have many family and friends that have adopted children of all ages (like my great friends, Jolene and Ben, who adopted two African-American children from overseas this year after already having three of their own) and they will all tell you what a rewarding experience it has been! 

There are a lot of children in foster care in Southwest Florida that need loving homes. Please consider being a foster parent (which means you bring children into your home temporarily while a permanent home is found--what a way to have a impact on a child) or an adoptive parent. You will never regret it!  Go to www.adoptflorida.org for more information.

KJ 

P.S. While we're on the subject of foster care, I wanted to point out that Collier County, Florida, does not have an emergency shelter for children removed suddenly from their homes. Up until just last year, children were actually housed in a government center on cots until a foster home could be found (now they are put in motels, but that's not much better for a scared child who has just lost their parents through no fault of their own).  The only shelter we have, Youth Haven, is at full capacity and wasn't designed for emergency use. Frankly, I think it is a blight on this community--with reportedly more millionaires than any other city in the nation--that we have children being put in this situation, especially when we have $20 million dollar mansions boarded up for 11 months out of the year. The City of Naples council and the Collier County government should be called upon to reserve funds for a new emergency shelter for these children. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars each year "sprucing up" the medians in our roads (usually replacing bushes that have died the month before); aren't our children worth some attention too?

 

Parenting the Election

On the way to school this morning, Election Day 2008, my six-year-old daughter mentions she's voting for President of the United States today in school. Surprised, I asked her who the candidates were. She said, "They showed us a picture on a piece of paper. It's one man standing up and one man kinda bending over." I have no idea what picture they're showing the students but it certainly got my attention!  

As a parent, I was proud that my daughter understood and cared about the election process at such a young age and we were able to talk about it. However, her comment made me wonder how many adults today are also voting based on a "picture" of the candidate and not on reality. While the issues have taken center stage this election, so has being a good orator and "looking presidential." I don't believe we have had in decades two presidential candidates that are so different on issues and values; I also have never seen so many people blindly follow candidates without finding out what they really stand for. As an African-American news pundit who appears on the major news networks told me recently, "It's okay to want to vote for change; just know what type of change you're voting for." 

As an Emmy award-winning journalist, I will go on the record that I have been disappointed with many of my friends in the media, both in print and television. Some of the reports have been extremely biased to the point that I think my daughter's first grade class could have done a better job at fair reporting. Now, there is no such thing as an "unbiased" story; just choosing what story to lead a newscast with is a biased decision. However you can do your best to make sure that both sides are heard without interjecting your opinion as a journalist. That is something that has not been done during this election to a shocking degree. The media serves a vital role in our society in holding our elected leaders accountable; if we can no longer count on them to be objective, we're in big trouble.

While I know this topic isn't directly related to single parenting, it is indirectly related. It is vitally important that we as moms instill in our children the importance of knowing the issues and voting for officials that will protect children at all stages of their lives, from before birth until they are 18 and off to college. 

If we don't, what we may have in the future is yet another generation voting for a picture of a candidate instead of for the real thing. 

 

KJ

P.S. 

News Update:

Time Magazine admits election bias

http://www.newsmax.com/insidecover/media_bias_halperin/2008/11/23/154417.html?s=al&promo_code=71E0-1

Washington Post admits election bias 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/11/09/ST2008110901017.html

Crying over missing milk...

"Oh crap, there's no milk." That's the first thought that came to my head this morning as I woke up and realized I had nothing in the house to feed my six-year-old daughter. At least nothing healthy. So we made a game of it all and went to Burger King this morning before school. Okay, that's questionable on the health meter as well (sorry, BK), but, hey, Elizabeth loved it. 

The reason I didn't have any milk this morning was because I'm a single mom. When we got home last night from Karate I realized we didn't have any milk but I didn't have someone else in the home to watch my daughter while I ran out for a few minutes and she was not "open" to the suggestion that we return the car again and go ourselves. Anyone who has a young child understands that when they get in that mood, there is no going back.

I'm not complaining per sey--I actually chose the life of a single mom willingly about a year ago when I adopted my daughter as a single person. I know what you're thinking right now, "Is she crazy?" More than likely in other areas but not regarding adopting a child. This is something I have thought about doing for many, many years and when Elizabeth was presented to me, I knew this was right.

I pretty much knew what I as getting into thanks to my seemingly hundreds of other single (and formally single) mom friends who became single moms through having a child outside of marriage, through divorce, or by losing a spouse. They have been my inspiration. My friend, Laurie, is the most amazing single mom I've ever seen--she's managed to raise her two children on her own with practically no help from anyone, buy a house pre-market meltdown, juggle a job or two, and put herself through college. And she makes it look easy and has a great sense of humor about it no matter what happens.

I'm sure there are many single moms out there that are equally as brilliant at juggling things but most of us are just trying to get through the end of the day with milk in the fridge. So, this blog is dedicated to all single moms: I want to hear from you--what your frustrations are, what resources you've found that'll help all of us, funny stories, etc.  I want you to feel free to speak your mind (there is a point in crying over spilt--or missing--milk and sometimes it's just to vent and get it out of our systems!) 

Have a great super mom day--now I'm off to Costco to get some milk. :) 

KJ 

Welcome to all single moms and those that love them!